Failed Successfully

Turbulence Newsletter – Week 4-ish

I didn’t make the deadline: I failed. Which resulted in my boss being quite disappointed about the performance of his star player. “But” he said: “if you finish the work by the next day, it’s still acceptable”. I refused, saying that I needed to focus on my own wellbeing instead.
We had some heated discussions from that moment forward, but he never had a chance. I’ve been making my own rules for a while now and the top priority is firmly set on my own wellbeing. Selfish right? Or is that what personal sovereignty is all about? Freedom…

Anyway, I got fired from writing a weekly newsletter now and I’m really quite happy about it. And since I’m the CEO of this enterprise where he was a project manager, I decided to reassign him to a different endeavor. Welcome to the contemplations of what goes on in the head of someone with AuDHD. The roles between structure and play are malleable and ever changing. Like the moving staircase in Hogwarts; although the design of the Escher vault of Warehouse 13 is more apt. Anyway, not everyone is a geek like I am, so this art will need to suffice to illustrate my point:

Relativity - M.C. Escher - Pinterest

What this shift translates to right now is that I won’t be publishing anything on a fixed time schedule any longer. I’ve healed too much in the last 9 months to chain myself now to a structure that’s built on the fictional construct of time. Time as we explain it now, simply doesn’t make sense to me, even though I played the game intensively. Calendars, schedules, clocks… what if we never needed these structures? What if our interpretation of the rotation of the sun and moon has been warped into a concept that was flawed? One where we only favor the practical implications, while ignoring all metaphysical consequences?

When I recall my lifetimes in the Babylonian, Mayan, Egyptian, and Greek cultures; calendars were never used as a method of control until the civilizations fell. They were interpretations of nature that we aligned ourselves to; a way to remain in harmony with our environment. Methods to optimize our interaction with the seasons.

Meanwhile, I also found through the practice of witchcraft and the subsequent shamanic memories that came up through its teachings; that cosmology is truly missing in modern society. Instead we have astronomy, astrology, and physics operating independently of each other, while ignoring each other’s contributions to our shared understanding of what we all belong to.

This is the kind of stuff that frustrates me as a generalist and polymath: we’re fragmented as a society, confused by our disjointed progress, yet unwilling to listen to each other because of “truth”. We’re like a body that’s trying to move in six different directions at once: we’re getting torn apart. Meanwhile, all truths are valid. In their own respect.

Autistic Shutdown

After that tangent, which was a show of my authentic thought process, let me continue with a more grounded topic: the effects of AuDHD on my life.

To start, let me apologize for leaving you hanging when I created the expectation between us that I was going to keep to a schedule:

“I’m sorry for having created an expectation that I didn’t want to keep to” (I didn’t know this was the case until I placed the artificial deadline on myself).

This was the result of a remnant of my old life: a life where I submitted myself to the (perceived) whims of others. Which isn’t to say that I won’t make commitments moving forward: I just won’t be as absolute anymore about the “when” element in regards to my creative process. That is a primary reason why I decided to stop my old career and seek a new way of ‘making a living’. I have better things to do and I need to do them my way, because the way that society is built up makes no sense to me.

It became evident to me two decades ago, when I was in college and watching the documentary “What the Bleep do we Know”. However, I’ve had many moments in my life where I was like: “This isn’t logical”. Generally speaking, school never made sense to me. What I was taught about economics was rife with flawed understandings of cycles. History class was highly biased and felt like it had brainwashing national values as its priority. Art classes were too narrow in their focus on productivity. While math classes were covering a range of theorems that was way too broad to be practical.

In short: general education was too much of a funnel for me. One where I was constantly told that ‘this is just the way things are’ and that I needed to accept that reasoning because: dominance. Unfortunately this created the false belief that I didn’t like ‘learning’. Because the way I learn is multifaceted.

Which relates to my struggle of the past seven days, in which I was trying to write for your benefit, but forgetting my own life in the process. I’ve been taught as a child in a variety of ways – from school to family – that what lies outside of me is more important than what lies within me. In fact, I’ve been ridiculed for most of my life about my own view on life; because it was different from ‘the norm’.

Yet throughout my life, I’ve never met a single normal person. And I’ve really tried to find them, just so I could analyze what ‘I did wrong’. But they just don’t exist. The only ‘normal’ element I’ve found is mechanisms to control each other. Veiled meanings built on masked trauma. And I’m tired of continuing in a charade, where we all pretend that we know what reality is.

But choosing to be the original me, is still a struggle. Even after 9 months of solitude and relative isolation, I still get sucked into old behaviors that reduce my capacity of expressing myself. But by now, I no longer grit my teeth and force myself to ‘get shit done’ when that happens. I’m not a drone, I’m not a ‘worker’: I’m a being. I honor myself and sit with the experience in order to improve.

So here’s the thing: I couldn’t write for you without damaging myself in the process. And if you think that makes me unreliable: you’re not my people. I can still hold love for you, without catering to your needs. But I’m allowed to make mistakes you know… that’s life.

I’m not even sure if this is an AuDHD thing, though I recognize myself in the symptoms of an autistic shutdown. But it could also be C-PTSD or Bipolar Disorder. Or simply being overstimulated as a highly sensitive person. Or an effect of the energetic flux of unseen energies due to the recent eclipse. Perhaps it was ‘God’ tripping over my marionette strings and cursing me into oblivion while ‘he’ was preparing the rapture. Or maybe it was my soulmate experiencing such a deep love for me, that I needed to set new energetic boundaries to match her intensity.

Whatever it was: I wasn’t ‘functional’ in a physical creative way. And by now… I’m getting annoyed by labelled interpretations! So… before I shut down again, let’s continue on to another topic.

Rebirth

If you’ve been on a mystic journey like I have been, you are intimately familiar with the death and rebirth process. We could also just call it the trial, error & adjustment process. Otherwise known as the ‘creative process’.

Sometimes, mystic language is a bit too ‘woo’ for people to understand what we’re actually talking about. Meanwhile, mysticism is life itself. All experts of the spiritual field will say that the completion of a journey, is to find oneself back in the mundane. But none of them seem to speak clearly on the heightened state of joy that you are living in at the end of the process. For some reason, this ‘should’ just be evident in the actions you show.

This approach annoys me, we have language to convey our process, but so few of us actually highlight the full path that we’ve walked. Meanwhile, I’ve tried myself and it’s impossible, so I’m not calling anyone a hypocrite here. I’m just frustrated that Elon hasn’t developed the brain chip yet, which the scientific community can transform into an ethical implementation for society.
I need a better interface for translating what’s going on in my head and it would be wonderful to get a better insight into what other people are thinking too. Until then, I’m stuck with writing in multilayered symbolic texts, as the ancients did…

Hieroglyphs - Pinterest

Perhaps we should just go back to using hieroglyphs and runes... but before I go into a rant of ‘back in my day’ from a different lifetime, all I’m trying to say is this:

Love & Light is cool. It’s a spectacular revealing moment where we recognize that we’re more than just a body that holds a heart and mind. It should be celebrated and I won’t be the asshole that says you should stop your positive outlook on life. It’s the opposite in fact.

I want you to find your truth and shout it with that same intensity, from the (digital) clouds as they pass over the world. Because we didn’t get activated spiritually to then just stay high on that vibe and live our physical lives in the astral realms. We might then as well have foregone the whole experience on Earth after all.

This is the same reason why I have some issues with an over focus on meditation. Meditation is only supposed to be a moment where you recenter yourself, so that you can then continue onwards with the rest of your day. Again; you came to this world in order to experience it. Not to follow someone else’s rules. It doesn’t matter who made the rules. Religion, science, government, parent, teacher; it’s all just guidelines. Even nature’s rules are malleable… but that’s for another time.

Now… values is a completely different thing. You know when you’re doing something that’s wrong. Nobody else needs to tell you. No rules or outside input is necessary. Your reality will reflect on you what your actions have brought you. Planting a single crop on every field results in a weak ecosystem. Similarly, insisting on a single creed for a population, creates a weak society.

That. That’s the reason why you went through the spiritual activation that felt like enlightenment. Because it wasn’t really that you became lighter: you just saw the world brighter. But brightness can be blinding. It can be alluring. It can be a siren’s song that will make you lose your self.

Here’s the thing: an integrated self doesn’t feel the need to escape the material realm. When you fully embody your spiritual truth, you are centered in your self. After which your environment will alter and give you new experiences to play with. As the buoy sways in the waves of the ocean, you will be swung off center in order to gain new perspectives. All the while knowing, that you are anchored in your rock solid truth. This is the abundance you receive.

And only when you start expressing yourself, do you become the one that creates the waves, rather than just receiving them. I’m convinced that this is the way that you experience more kundalini moments in your life. All you need to do is release the seeking and start listening.

So the long and short of this is: you’re here to die a thousand deaths, so that you can be reborn a million times. You are here to show, rather than tell, what the point is of this life. Because many of us, have forgotten and will keep on forgetting. That’s the point of life, otherwise we would all have eiditic memories. Forgetting isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.

For me personally, these last couple of days I had to relearn again from a different perspective that love comes in many forms.

Love

This isn’t just about romantic love. If anything, for once I need to highlight the love for self. The integrated self that is. Because for most of my life, I’ve been a people pleaser through a self taught survival mechanism. This was the best that my 8 year old self could come up with:

• Keep your distance from most people

• Serve the people that are in your life through a veiled way of slavery; without them you will die.

  • Which may sound similar to receiving hourly wages in order to get the minimal requirements to live a life.

But I’ve finally given up on that whole attitude. I will no longer see my ‘client as king’, my family as ‘sacred’, my friends as ‘first’, nor will I ‘worship’ my goddess.

A true goddess needs no pedestal, she needs an equal. That’s the kind of person that I’m ready to move forward in my life with. Similarly, I only open my life to those who can connect to my heart and if there’s nobody: I remain in solitude.

Goku - Dragonball Z - Pinterest

Yet, I’m not bitter. It’s the opposite in fact, I feel more empathetic to the plight of other people’s lives than I ever have before. Because now, I don’t let it affect my life. I can separate experiencing what their life might be like, with what my life is like. Knowing that beyond everything else, my own wellbeing is paramount. I cannot ‘fight the good fight’, without taking care of my own meat mech and its operating systems.

And… I don’t actually believe in fighting. To me that concept just highlights an ancestral wound where we saw our environment as a threat, instead of a wonder. A place that we needed to conquer, rather than collaborate with. That’s not the world I live in. Nature is my home and it’s filled with friends, some whom have been hurt deeply and don’t know any better than to growl and snap.

Anyway, I’m ready to move forward again, now that I don’t need to perform in a strict framework. Instead, I’m as curious as you are about what I’ll be creating. All I know, is that whatever I publish next, will finally have the quality and depth that I desire to create. It will be the art I’m here to make. And I’m excited! That’s the whole point of the creative process: to experience joy while spreading joy.

Which… just to be clear… isn’t only going to be highlighting the bright side of life. Where’s the fun in a story that doesn’t have darkness after all?

Wrapped up

I know this essay/log/journal isn’t necessarily very structured. My main reasoning for publishing this was to communicate my authentic state in the moment, while also clarifying that there won’t be any more ‘reliable recurrences’. It simply fucks up my creative process, which defeats the purpose for you too.

I’ll still be doing personal logs, but only when they’re not getting in the way of my actual art. As a multithreaded processor of ideas across dimensions, realms, and planes: I need to honor the energy as it flows through me. This means that I need to have at least 5 projects running simultaneously, without the pressure of needing to complete them according to some artificial schedule. My faith in the process tells me that I will share what is needed, when the time is right. I have no clue when that is and I’m not willing to sacrifice the quality of my creations for more immediate gratification of my readers.

This is the part where I say: ‘Sorry… Not sorry’.
You can see the mystery of life as a fun surprise to lean into, or a horrible event that is happening to you. Either way: you swing. Might as well let go of what you can’t control (me) and enjoy what you can (your life).

P.S. I know that it’s unlikely that you care much about the publishing schedule of the Dragons Tails. But I wrote what I wrote, in the way that I wrote it... for a reason!

P.P.S. I tend to be better at responding to people, so… I have to make up your side, because I’ve lived too long in a forest and have no clue what people do in real life anymore!

P.P.P.S. Just adding this to make it look even less professional.

Psspsspssspsss…. What were we talking about?

Anyway, fuck rules. I make my own. Soon(ish) or maybe not so soon, I’ll be publishing what I’ve actually wanted to publish for a while. Meaning one of my 13 essays that I’ve started working on… or perhaps stuff of the books I’ve started writing… or perhaps my fictional world… or! Yet something different.

Is this finally the end of this log though?
Will I finally release you?

Will I?

Will I?!

(nothing worse than an open ending right?)

Viktor & Rolf Haute Couture - Pinterest