Frustrations and Redundancies
A glimpse into a 2 week neurodivergent cycle
I figured I'd share my process of dealing with frustrations and redundancies here. More so for (neurodivergent) recognition than as a solution; but who knows you may find some value in it.
Also too much of my writing is getting lost in the void of Substack notes. And although I store those notes for later usage, it's just frustrating that I can't search them back easily on this platform. Some days I crave the functionality of Slack here on Substack; who knows… maybe some day.
It's just useful to have documentation to reference in the future. I'm already running into the situation right now of needing to repeat myself with people. Meanwhile I spent a proper amount of time in writing a note on the same subject. Needless to say: Efficiency is a thing for me.
Anyway, here's a glimpse in my AuDHD method of dealing with frustration:
Get stuck in victim mindset for 2 weeks while not being able to write posts. Narrative in my head: planned obsolescence of Apple caused I can't use my laptop without a charger (battery failed catastrophically after exactly 3 years). And since my solar system is barely functional and my generator broke last year already: I only have electricity when the sun is out. Thus I must choose between enjoying the sun or sitting in a windowless room to write. (Autism?)
Seek a solution to the problem and settle on something that I don't have resources for (otherwise called dreaming). Narrative in my head: excited about a modular laptop of Framework (https://frame.work) - so now I have a solution for the future, but I'm still stuck. However, faith in humanity restored: those laptops are epic! (Yay ADHD) But I have a passion/mission… so need to get back to reality unfortunately. Sigh…
Overadjust because of rebellious thoughts and try writing on paper. But I'm too chaotic in my process to make paper work for me. And too autistic to accept crossed out lines and scribbles everywhere. Despair and doom! - Overindulge in distractions like social media, food & masturbation. Eventually leading to a crash out.
Recover and get frustrated. Take action from overwhelmed place: I go to the library to write. But run into the expected problem: I can't write vulnerable stuff in a public space with fluorescent lights. Too much input - cue war flashbacks from my school days. At least I have electricity to charge my phone, but this is not sustainable moving forward. Back to the drawing board…
Return to safe pattern: writing notes on Substack from my phone. But finally reach the point of 'explosion'. So I start writing my frustration out in a note and realize I have more redundancies available to me as I'm writing. Ecstatic! Grumbling… Why didn't I figure this out sooner?
Get over my “failure”. Currently charging my phone in car, because that battery works. It doesn't matter that I need to walk up the steep 30 meter high hill in the middle of the night to get to my car anymore. I'm pumped and have too much energy anyway. New plan: tomorrow I'll lookup my old laptop with a still somewhat decent battery but a broken keyboard. That way, when the power fails: I don't get interrupted in the middle of my writing.
Get excited and plan too much for my future self: If/when the sun comes through: start writing with external keyboard and charge battery. Finish all the projects!
Remove expectations altogether and just embrace gratitude for the present moment. Let tomorrow be a mystery - be realistic. Breathe. Enjoy the music that's running in the background.
Moral of the story:
There's always a solution. You're a creative being. Be honest about your situation - humble yourself. And… be gentle when you can with yourself.
Also… writing on my phone works pretty well in the Substack app for shorter long form posts 😆
One last thing. I don't like to ask for help. But I'm trying to get over my people pleasing behavior, without emotionally manipulating people.
So… I could use some support. I'm kinda stuck in my current situation and would love to just get a small apartment to continue my writing in.
However, I'm currently 2 months away from being bankrupt (again). Meanwhile the ‘house’ I live in has a leaking roof, I can't use my fridge anymore, the land I live on is the property of my ex, my lease car payments are behind by 4-5 months, and the government is wondering why I haven't paid income tax.
Despite all that I'm ok, not great, but there are people that are off far worse. And I'm ready to become a vagabond if I must. I'm not going to become a slave to government or corporation. Scarcity is a myth, I'm relatively young and able bodied: I'll survive.
Plus I remain steadfast in my belief that community will show up, as long as I'm willing to share myself vulnerably.
So, if you have some money to spare, I'd really appreciate your token of compassion for my situation. You can find the donate link on my profile (can't place the button on phone).
And if you like the message across my writing so far, please consider sharing it. Because I care more about that, than money. But I'd also like to have some more luxury to live in. Or just some security for a future beyond 2 months from now.
Either way: thank you for reading ❤️ I'll probably be posting more soon ☺️ looking forward to it :)