Honor & Vulnerability

Honor yourself and you honor the world

Celtic Dara Knot - SymbolSage

When I blocked a subscriber for the first time a couple of days ago, I realized that I went through a rite of passage and now I feel like I can truly call myself an influencer. It’s a bittersweet celebration: on the one hand I’m proud that I acted on my honor, on the other I feel sad and disappointed. As usual, this also brought up rage to protect me from the threat. It brought up thoughts like: They’re just words on a screen, I need to let it go. Should I even care that it was a person that wrote those words? If I should care, what do I base that on? And: There’s a good chance I may never meet them again, why does it even matter?

But for me, every moment in life is an experiment. This whole interaction had been an experiment to try out my new way of being. I met the first fan of my creations, connected with them to see what a community could look like, and was met with the messiness of reality. This is exactly the reason why I stress-test theories and live by the concept of walking the talk.

In the end, I honored myself and stand by my decision. But I’m also left pondering about the structure of a healthy community, in particular how someone could re-enter after being banned. Personally I don’t see anyone as my enemy, but I do recognize when people are a threat to my peace and the safety of those I care about. I also see everything as scalable, so if I block someone, how do I make this an impermanent decision in a safe way?

Where do Honor and Vulnerability meet?

Norse Tiwaz Rune - Pinterest

With the world on fire, it may seem strange to talk about a value like honor. Perhaps I’ve listened to too much pagan folk metal and hold myself to standards that are outdated. But I choose to believe that the values of the pagan tribes made a lot more sense, than the Christian set of values that are at the heart of Western society.

I choose to honor my ancestors and continue their beliefs in part, before they were suppressed by a greedy empire that forced control. I honor the tribes that actually settled the land and lived in harmony with it. Meanwhile I respect Christ for having rebelled against the empire of his time – though his teachings hold some bitterness to them because of his fighting attitude. It’s why I believe that no single person or deity should be worshipped: it creates tunnel vision and cancels out your discernment. So I live by the creed of listening and questioning, rather than hearing and following. Generally speaking, I create and maintain my own set of values in order to access the wisdom of many cultures.

To me, honor holds within it both respect and honesty. It’s what brings clarity into a relationship, which is the foundation of trust between people. Clarity is also one of the cornerstones in my mission statement. It used to be “truth”, however I realized that what I want to achieve by speaking my truth: is clarity. I don’t expect anyone to mimic or believe my truth, I look for people that are able to align with my truth in parallel. It requires people to be true to themselves as I am true to myself; that’s what honesty is. Once we go through a dance of being honest with each other, the result is clarity for both of us. And only when we have clarity between us, can we truly honor each other.

Which brings me to the idea of respect.

The dance of building a relationship with someone requires that you have command over your reactions. If you cannot command the impulses of your emotions or thoughts, you cannot respect another person. It requires that you have set boundaries on your reactions, so as not to harm another when they activate the shadow in you. In other words: when they trigger the darkness that hides in your blind spots.

Note that command is different from control. Most people have set up borders in order to deal with their impulses, which is a form to contain and control their expression. As a result you cannot truly be vulnerable, which means you cannot be honest, as you’re not expressing your true self. To express your true self you have to be willing to show your heart, which requires that you command all layers of internal security that you built to protect your-self — and let them fall by decree of your will.

If you use borders instead, the moment that someone penetrates your security unexpectedly (which someone inevitably will – recognize your ego): you will lash out to protect yourself and hurt someone in the process. This someone could be you: when you hurt a loved one, you hurt yourself too. In contrast, boundaries allow you to give the warning growl that indicates that someone is treading on dangerous grounds, highlighting that a more careful approach is necessary.

Furthermore not being aware of what plays within you, can make situations even worse. You can unintentionally cross someone’s boundaries, because you subconsciously hold resentment towards a particular person (teacher/father/mother) in your life. This is a sad situation, which someone can choose to hold space for in order for you to heal your past experience. Unfortunately, if you’re not taking responsibility for your actions, you’ll likely continue with this behavior until the recipient definitively closes down contact – they block your expression. Because eventually, boundaries should lead to borders for your own sense of safety: peace.

Maintaining your peace, is how you honor yourself. Honoring yourself requires being vulnerable with yourself. It requires that you face your deepest fear, because that’s what it means to be honest with you. Without being honest about how you see the world – regardless of what you were taught – you cannot achieve clarity. And you cannot honor yourself, if you don’t respect yourself. Why would you be honest with someone that’s not taking you seriously after all?

Why would you be true to your word – if you don’t honor who needs to act on it.

Building a New Relationship

Self Reflection - walkswithwounds | DeviantArt

In February 2025 I shared my first personal video with the world on TikTok, it was a self imposed introduction challenge where I was to post a video each day. A tough challenge for me, because it meant I had little to no time to prepare myself. So to make it a bit easier on myself I was using the ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ from Maslow as a framework for this introduction, because I had no clue how else to introduce myself. I don’t identify myself with things like age or background; I embody who I am in the moment. Maslow’s framework was the simplest way for me to give an overview of who I was in that moment – or so I thought.

The first three days went well. I spoke about the first three tiers with relative ease until I came upon the layer of “self esteem”. I had done quite some work on my self esteem over the past couple of years – overcame a lot of social anxiety – but… apparently not enough. My mind went wild and I ran out of energy, causing me to fail the challenge.

I’ll share those first three videos at a later date, because I want to honor my journey and show what it means to be vulnerable – despite cringing hard at every single video I’ve made. For now, I’m sharing here the fourth video that I made 5 months later on the topic of self esteem and self expression. It only took 500 influencers and 2000 videos until I finally cracked the code on self esteem by listening to the wisdom of the crowd.

NOTE: the video is over 20 minutes long and not an integral part of this essay, but it adds some nuances that could be interesting.

The reason that I’m sharing all of this, is because I worked a lot on myself before I considered building a community. And at first I definitely didn’t want to be a leader, I just wanted to share some insights and be a guide for ‘the younger generation’. Until I realized that this wasn’t a responsible attitude, because the integration of ideas requires more than just guidance. It requires direction as well. Which is what leadership is for.

This truly wrecked my head for a while, because again… I really didn’t want to be a leader. I’ve been a leader plenty of times and it had always been exhausting – I just wanted to live a relaxed life. So I used my creativity to try and find a way out, but none of them were realistic within the timeframe that I saw that our world needs change. Eventually I had to accept that I was being guided to being a leader again, but this time… I could choose exactly how I wanted to go about it.

Which meant that I decided to completely let go of everything I’ve ever been taught about leadership and re-assess the role. Go deep within what a community actually needs and take away what I feared the most of me being in a leadership role: my ego. It brought up the usual power dynamics conundrum, where I know that I’m fallible, but also where I know that I cannot rely on someone else in certain situations. As a leader, you need to be able to stand by yourself and show the way, when everybody around you thinks you’re delusional. How do you do this in a responsible way? How do you honor yourself without losing yourself to your ego? How do you honor your community without losing sight of your role?

The answer to me came through nature, where I’ve been observing for a long time now that everything is cyclical. It made me wonder what the cycle of power is and where the balance lies. And my solution so far – meaning the experiment that I want to try out – is to reintroduce a council that is made up by people with deep life experience; wisdom. To get more of an idea on that, check out the Dragons Tails Council page.

With that concept brewing in my head and the realization that we’re all leading each other anyway – we’re always both teachers and students – I set course to build up my enterprise. The first step of which, was to be vulnerable in public about the situation that I was in. To share what was on my heart, rather than on my mind. And to be a bit cheeky as well and throw in some romance for my soulmate, because… I can’t get her off my heart or my mind. It was the most honest expression that I could think of.

In the end though, the goal was to build real connection with people, for a community that can start addressing the bigger issues in a global society. And for that, I need to meet people that know their heart.

So when I met the first excited fan of my creations, that was an indication for me that they aligned with my heart in some way. And because of the months of healing work that I’ve been going through, I was a bit too impulsive in trusting the experience. I favor trusting people on their word and living from the idea that someone’s innocent until proven guilty. However, I also have a past where that has been my downfall. Thankfully, I had worked on my inner boundaries.

The excitement of this subscriber was infectious and I thought my plan had worked. We started chatting in private rather quickly, but before long I started noticing that my energy was getting drained. So I gave my first notification to this individual: “I need a less intense version of our contact”, but also highlighted that I saw a future in our relationship.

A few days passed with us doing the dance of honesty, but things were feeling off. During the dance, I had already needed to make a clear break next to the boundaries that I communicated – one of my borders had been violated. What happened is that this individual had reacted defensively with words that were quite hurtful. However, I keep to a rule of threes and don’t dismiss someone based on a single act of hurtful behavior; it can just be a mistake, we’re all humans.
Yet, it did linger in the back of my head, something was off about it. And in hindsight I recognize that it was the explanation they gave me: they said they were unmasking, but they equalled that to having no boundaries on their expression.

Which is equal to saying: I want to be more transparent in living my life, so I’m not going to wear clothes or use curtains anymore. Let me be clear: Privacy has a purpose and so does security.

To build a lasting relationship we need to take time, where we allow each other to gently lower our defenses. Because we’re all wounded animals in one way or another. We have all experienced pain. And you don’t approach a wounded animal directly – this will result in blood loss. Instead, you ease your way towards them, while being highly aware of their behavior. Not because they are evil, but because they are a potential threat. They need to know you are safe and they need to show that they are safe themselves too.

So when I was dealing with this individual a few days after this first conflict, I was more guarded. They asked me if I was willing to share my Whatsapp, which… was a strange request after having gone through a conflict so recently. When I said I wasn’t open to that just yet, they indicated that this wasn’t a problem. Then a typical pattern came up where I recognize that someone comes back on their word. They’ll say something along the lines of: “I just said X because of Y, but I was already thinking that X wasn’t a good idea”. Which was a clear sign to me that they weren’t honoring themselves; they were breaking their own word. Either in the moment or in retrospect. However, that’s still not a reason to break contact with someone for me; life isn’t that polarized. It did make me more wary though.

Eventually, I was receiving praise again which seemed to occur as a way to level out a misplaced form of guilt on their part. They shared something with me, that I later found was a test of theirs to figure out if their unspoken assumptions about me were correct. The details of which I choose to hold to myself, because I respect all people, not just the people that agree with me.

What I will say is that eventually I reflected their behavior back to them, in order to receive clarity. After which I was called out in several paragraphs for being a wannabe “wise druid” who just was feeling glorified in their ego and acting “aloof”. And then I remembered that in our first conflict they had also insinuated that I was a stalker, bad father, and more; but had apologized for this.

Regardless, I recognized that I no longer felt safe in building up this relationship, had communicated multiple boundaries, and had even allowed one of my borders to be crossed. It was time to close the connection, honor myself, and safeguard my peace.

So I waited for 2 hours before I reacted and sat in the discomfort of wanting to protect myself. Why? Because it would reflect on my name if I act out of anger, I would do the same thing that hurt me: shaming another based on my truth.

So after 2 hours, I still reacted perhaps a bit too snappy, but I had calmed my nervous system down enough to calmly explain in a single message which comments were uncalled for in my opinion. I also reflected the same words back, and indicated that I would be blocking this person.

Taking this effort for someone that hurt you may seem redundant, but you have to understand that I still care about the person behind the defensive words they threw my way. Again: a wounded animal isn’t evil; it’s in pain. So when I break contact with someone, I do so with a final reflection. Hoping that this will help with the frustration and grief.

Next to that, I also know that I deserve someone in my life that does honor me, in the way that I honor myself.

Transmuting a Confrontation

Samurai Kanji - Lelia | DeviantArt

Being vulnerable comes at a cost, but it also gives you the experience that makes you an honorable person. And I need to highlight here: person.

Dishonorable behavior isn’t new to me and I tend to receive it most from women that have unresolved father wounds, because I’m a man. They will project the issues they had with their father onto me, because I can and do hold space for their emotions. But the moment that I’m more straight forward and highlight behavior that’s incongruent with who they portray themselves to be: I get an emotional bitchslap that’s actually intended for their father. Because I’m supposedly doing the same thing as all men and ignoring their emotions in that moment. And honestly: I’d prefer a physical slap, it hurts less.

Particular women (not all women) have a tendency to lash out with shaming and blaming judgment, in order to justify their behavior and I don’t see this being talked about enough. This is not honorable behavior, which may sound like I’m shaming now; but really it’s just judgment based on what this whole essay has been about.
Meaning that I’m calling these women out on acting disrespectful towards themselves and causing harm to the wider community. It helps nobody except for the fragile ego of a single person, to allow blaming and shaming to continue in our communities. These people get bitter because they don’t get recognized for who they actually are, because nobody calls them out on their behavior.

Bullying and ridiculing each other is a real issue in our society that’s causing a division that specific people of both genders benefit from, directly or indirectly.

Certain men benefit from repressing women by minimizing their contributions to society; in the same way that they ridicule the contributions of specific men that do care about keeping communities safe.
Equally, certain women benefit from repressing men by minimizing their emotions; in the same way that they ridicule the value of specific women who don’t fit a particular mould.

And I could use my rage to write pages about the injustice that I feel of how irresponsible feminism has impacted my life ever since I was a kid. How I have needed to watch my emotions and actions around every single woman including my mother and sister. Because if I didn’t, I might just get an emotional smack for holding a door open or having accidentally lingered too long with my gaze in a place where a woman happens to be standing.
Look: I like keeping doors open for people, it’s just a sign of respect and recognition. And I think about a lot of things which causes my eyes to wander. Neither of which have anything to do with the female body. I do the same for men.

I could write about that. But I choose to transmute energy into purpose. I choose to be responsible for my own energy and work on the solution, rather than fighting the problem. I choose to honor us all, by honoring myself first. Which can make me more distant, because there’s a lot of pain out there and I can only hold space for a few people. But I hope by writing this, that I can hold space for just a few more. And all I can do is try and stop the cycle, try and stop the hurt, by not reacting. But by sitting with the discomfort instead and then sharing my response in public, once I feel safe again. Maybe that approach still needs some more work; I’m open to learn. But right now, I feel this is a more healthy way than just acting out of frustration.

So what did I gain from remaining honorable in this particular confrontation? Resolve.

Resolve to keep working and build out my voice, my writing, the Dragons Tails community, and more. Because this type of behavior needs to stop. We need to work on our communities again and create safe environments where we can be clear with each other. This is how we can temper the arrogance of those who act from greed; because they simply feel unsafe and are looking outside of themselves for resolution. These wounded children in adult bodies are playing with our shared resources and need to be held accountable. I’m not going to lash out to these people, because that’s exactly what they’re waiting for: abuse. It’s what they expect. That doesn’t break the cycle: it continues it. Fighting isn’t honorable, unless you defend yourself or the defenseless. (again… has nothing to do with gender)

So I withdraw and learn, rebuild my energy and see who would benefit from my help. And change that rage into beauty through resolve.

That’s what it means to be the change.

The Benefit of Honoring your Vulnerability

Journey - Wlop | DeviantArt

The approach of deviating from the norm and confronting people with their individuality can also mean that you stand alone for a while. People like it when you stick to a specific script that they can understand and have been taught to follow. But the approach does have a tendency as well to attract the right people in your life, people that you can depend on. Personally I held back too much of myself which caused me not to find my people. I didn’t truly honor the worth of my life and chose to please others instead; but that has changed now. I will choose standing alone over being in the company of people that subtly discredit me any day.

Solitude isn’t as horrible as society makes it seem. In fact, I’d say telling people that solitude is problematic, is the perfect control mechanism to keep people obedient to follow existing structures – traditions. And while some traditions are valid and have good bones, others are just repetitions of wounded ideology. Every prophet of a religion chose to break free from their community and came back with new insights. Nearly every well known ‘genius’ was someone who was rejected by society and through that rejection, found within them something special.

Having said that, it does help to eventually balance solitude out with guidance and direction from our environment. Without a counterbalance, we cannot translate our experience for the benefit of our community.

Yet we need to remember that nature is the first and ultimate counterbalance that’s always been there to guide and direct us; if we’re willing to listen. Some of the best ideas that propelled humanity forward, originated from a simple observation of nature. Like Archimedes’ principle leading to an understanding of buoyancy or Newton’s apple leading to an understanding of gravity.

Community can be found in many different ways as well. It’s possible to curate an asynchronous council through social media feeds, books, and other forms of media. But when we choose this method it requires resolve to get useful results, because it’s easy to get lost in an echo chamber where we take in what we want to hear and ruminate in our emotions, without a way out. An asynchronous council can get you to a certain point, but it’s only when you start conversing, that you benefit from the synergy that amplifies your message and your entire being.

To me this shows what it is to be a wise leader: you don’t shy away from opposing ideologies nor will you feel the need to prove your ideology in debate. Why would you? You only shelter from a storm. You don’t stay inside all day because you fear rain. A true leader shows what they stand for through their behavior and actions, and a wise leader will adapt their behavior to what they learn.

‘Opposing’ perspectives are just ways to learn something new that can benefit your community, if you apply it right. Which… I hope to have demonstrated in this essay. And I hope it’s clear that I’m not trying to be a druid, but that I am trying to lead change.

Conclusion

The Lone Road to Nowhere - Seigner | DeviantArt

I can stand alone as I honor myself, not as an island, but as an interconnected part of nature (which ironically also includes islands). I could live off the land and live a simple life, which would come with its own challenges. However, I choose to build a community and interact with people of all walks of life, because they can amplify who I already am.

Being part of a community requires you to be vulnerable, without vulnerability people cannot see what’s in your heart. It’s only when you’re honest, that you can receive and materialize what you really need. Only when you dare to face those who hide behind shaming and blaming, that you will see how limited their arguments are. And the first person who shames and blames you: is you.

So if there’s one thing that you take away from this essay, let it be this: honor yourself.

And if you have any ideas about what the right way would be to have someone re-enter a community, I’d love to hear about that in the comments or in the Dragons Tails chat!

• What would a compassionate and honorable way be for re-entry?

• Should I engage with this person again from my own power or do I wait to see if and when they return?

• Do I just leave the encounter behind me with this essay and focus my attention on different horizons?

• How do you handle it when you’re deeply hurt by a friend?

• How can we learn from your approach to create a heart led society?

I’m curious about your ideas!